Finally accepting who I am at nearly 37

Coming home to the little girl who felt more at home with the creatures than the humans

Most kids tend to have imaginary friends. I had imaginary animals. Three of them; a bird, a horse and a dog. If I could, I would always choose to spend time with animals over humans. I worked at the local stables in exchange for spending time with horses. I wasn’t even that interested in riding them, I just wanted to be close to them and get to know them. I had the usual kid pets, goldfish, hamsters, guinea pigs. When they died I grieved for them for days, I took days off school. It was akin to losing a friend.

When my grandad died we took on his border collie for a while. My mum was allergic to dogs so it had to live outside. So I moved outside. I lived with the dog all day and all night until it was bedtime. I just sat with him, groomed him, laid with him.

After my mum left at 15 I started spending more and time time with a family who would become my unofficial foster family and at 16 I moved countries to live with them full-time. I soon transitioned into my own bedsit and immediately it became a kind of menagerie for my own personal emotional sustenance. Two rats became eleven (one was unbeknownst to me pregnant), two ferrets, a snake. I had one room and precious little space to exist but these pets were essential. I didn’t realise it then as I do now but I needed these animals to keep me going. They needed me. I had to get up every day to feed, water, clean, handle, walk and get outside of my own head.

Me 16 with my 3-legged rat Wednesday on my shoulder

At 19 I became pet free for the first time in my life. I had moved to London and as much as I loved walking my ferret (Bungle had died of cancer shortly before moving) along the Camden canals, it wasn’t a life for him. So I rehomed Zippy to a beautiful place where they had a stream and a harem of jills (female ferrets) for him to spend time with. The rats had died and the snake had gone with my ex to the flat next door (fun fact, I ended up learning about Jim the snake’s demise through Noel Fielding’s Instagram page 🤣).

At 19 I also had the first and one of the most profound mental health crises of my life so far...

Continues for free on my Substack page:

https://carlychandlermorris.substack.com/p/finally-accepting-who-i-am-at-nearly

Carly x

2024, feeding the yearling boys.